


I'll come back when you call me

by fullmoon02



Category: Spy Game (2001)
Genre: Age Difference, M/M, Mentor/Protégé, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 07:03:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5038495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmoon02/pseuds/fullmoon02
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jon. That was the name on the gravestone. Nathan knew it could as well say Tom. The shudder that followed the thought had nothing to do with the cool air around him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll come back when you call me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Saffronra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saffronra/gifts).



Changing his weight from one foot to another, Nathan felt the soft grass under his shoes. The grass was in contrast with the cold, hard gravestone he was staring. Memories of the man lying under the stone filled his mind. Staring at the stone, Nathan tried to figure out what he was feeling.

Jon. That was the name on the stone. Nathan knew it could as well say Tom. The shudder that followed the thought had nothing to do with the cool air around him.

Nathan knew Jon would have been disappointed to see Nathan blaming himself. What happened between them was so long ago it might have been a different life. When Jon died, Nathan believed he would spend the rest of his life alone. There was a reason he worked alone. He couldn't stand people who questioned him. Jon had been different but there was never supposed to be anyone else. Until Tom came along. The fucking arrogant boy scout drove him crazy but also stole his heart. Nathan would have never admitted it but the kid was smart. Sooner or later, Tom would figure out Nathan's feelings for him. When he did, they would have one hell of a conversation ahead of them.

"One thing about Tom..," Nathan said, touching the gravestone with his fingertips. "He looks a bit like me. He could be my son." Nathan huffed a short laugh at the idea of having kids. "Crazy, huh?"

A few rows away Nathan saw an older man placing a small bell on the grave he was visiting. The sound of the bell was like glasses tinkling. It reminded Nathan of one of the first training sessions he had with Tom.

***

Barely two weeks in and Nathan regretted his decision already. He wasn't a born teacher. And Tom? The kid got his kicks from showing off to Nathan. Tom, on the other hand, was pretty sure Nathan didn't realize how good of a teacher he actually was. He gave Tom a reason to always try harder, work harder, prove his worth. Every situation was a learning opportunity.

One Wednesday evening they were in a restaurant. Stopping his sentence midway, Nathan nodded towards a man at the bar. He asked Tom to tell about him.

After taking a quick look, Tom continued to observe him out of the corner of his eye. He stayed silent for a while but Nathan grew impatient:

"Talk to me."

Tom first listed the obvious: "He's caucasian. Has a short haircut. Blue suit. Fits nicely, by the way. His shoes are shiny."

Tom kept a pause. Nathan nodded him to continue.

"The tie, the belt buckle, the zipper... they are all in straight line. He..." Tom stopped and gave Nathan a small smile. "He's in the military."

"He sure is. Tell me more."

"He flinched when the waitress dropped the glass. He's nervous or afraid of sudden sounds. His hands look rough but he takes care of his nails."

The man passed them, taking a seat next to the window. When he sat down, Tom continued.

"There are wrinkles around his eyes. Wherever he was, there was lots of sun. He had to squint often. And his gaze is... hollow."

"Hollow?"

"Yeah. I once met a guy who ran over a kid with his car. He looked like that."

Nathan nodded but didn't say anything.

"Well, how did I do?"

Nathan shrugged, shaking his head a little to Tom's enthusiasm. "Not bad."

"You know him, don't you?"

"Yes."

Tom wanted to ask why the guy had such an empty gaze in his eyes but decided not to. He didn't believe Nathan would answer.

***

Nathan bent down his head, staring at the ground. It was still an early morning and the grass was wet. The old man visiting the other grave had already left but his footsteps were still visible.

It was no wonder he still missed Jon. They had been partners for ten years. They had lived together. Nathan had always thought Jon as the most important person in his life. Now Tom was claiming that spot and Nathan felt guilty. He knew what Jon would say: "Those alive are most important". Jon was right, of course. He was the smartest person Nathan ever met.

"You could tell me about him sometime," a voice said behind him. Nathan recognized it but still jumped a little. When was the last time someone had been able to surprise him?

"You were asleep when I left," Nathan said, turning to look at Tom.

Tom shrugged.

Looking at Tom's pale face Nathan knew the answer before asking: "Slept well?"

Tom ignored the question. Instead, he nodded towards the gravestone: "I can find all info about him in less than ten minutes."

"Then why don't you?" Nathan wanted his words to bite, but they came out no louder than a whisper. In his mind, he added: "You can only do it because I taught you how."

"I'm still hoping you'll tell me."

Tom smiled. It was a tired smile, but it still sparked a small light inside Nathan. Nathan wanted to apologize but knew it didn't matter. Turning around, he left back to home. He knew Tom would follow him.

***

After saving Tom's life, Nathan decided to disappear. Without money and with a very powerful, very pissed-off ex-employee, he had few other options. He settled down in a small house in a countryside. With no neighbors nearby, Nathan spent most of this time alone. When he visited the town he felt the stares of the strangers. It always raised the hairs on the back of his neck.

One day, after months of solitude, Nathan got company when Tom knocked on his door. With dirty clothes and unshaven face, Tom looked different. When he met Nathan's gaze, and knew he was safe, his knees buckled. He would have hit his head on the floor if Nathan hadn't been able to catch him.

"How... how in fucking Hell?!" Nathan whispered, holding Tom against his body. "I made sure not to leave any clues."

"You taught me well," Tom mumbled before falling unconscious.

Nathan helped Tom to the couch in front of the fireplace. Despite the warmth and a blanket that covered him, Tom couldn't stop shivering. When he woke up, he took a hot shower and came right back to sit next to Nathan. When Nathan placed a blanket on his shoulders, Tom reached out to grab his wrist.

Nathan turned to look at him. There was no doubt in Tom's eyes. Only want - need - for Nathan to be close to him.

Nathan leaned forward, whispering:

"It's been a while."

"It's alright. Just let me..." Tom breathed out, kissing the side of Nathan's mouth.

Only when feeling Tom's familiar touch, Nathan realized how he had missed it. With Tom at his side, he had everything he needed in the world.

Nathan let Tom do as he pleased. It was fun to boss the kid around but in bed he needed no guidance. Tom knew what he was doing - and he did it with passion. Tom pushed Nathan softly, until they were lying on the floor.

Nathan helped Tom to take his shirt off. The pants were soon to follow. When Tom almost ripped off his jeans, Nathan laughed a little at his enthusiasm. The laugh died when Tom grabbed his cock. With a sharp inhale Nathan shut his eyes and told himself not to come. If he came this fast, the kid would never let him live it down.

Tom was in no rush, exploring Nathan's body with his hands and his mouth. At first Nathan barely moved but then he manhandled Tom a little roughly to lie on his back. Tom's surprised yelp didn't ease Nathan's painful erection.

For a moment they felt only warmth and heard only their panting breaths. Tom never stopped stroking Nathan. All too soon Nathan felt himself coming, spilling all over Tom's hand. Hearing Nathan, seeing how vulnerable he was, made Tom gasp for breath. Nathan whispered to him, told him to let go. Tom did, coming hard on his stomach.

For a while they lied still. Tom felt good to have Nathan's weight on him. It made him feel safe. Like nothing could come between them.

Nathan looked amused when seeing Tom's blissful gaze.

Tom narrowed his eyes and punched Nathan playfully on the shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah. Not bad for an old man."

Tom stood up, offering his hand to Nathan.

"Well, this old man needs his sleep," Nathan said, turning towards the bedroom. ”You can come when you're ready."

About an hour later Tom waited for the sleep to take him. He stared at the ceiling, his arm touching Nathan's. He recalled how welcoming Nathan was. Like he had been... missing him. Could that be possible?

***

Nathan learned most of the things in life in a hard way. One of them was that love didn't conquer anything.

He was loyal to people he trusted but they were few and far between. He was careful not to let himself believe in love. In the right circumstances everyone was expendable. He never lost his sleep over the things he did while on job. But now things were different. Saying Tom was expendable would have been a lie. He was different in every possible way.

Tom was the first person, after Jon at least, who was on the same level with him. Tom's role was to take orders from him and not ask questions but he was having none of that. Not because he didn't trust Nathan but because he had to earn the trust.

Friendship was one thing but love was different. Nathan gave up all his savings for the kid. Did he do that out of love? Or was it because he never believed he could retire? As a final "fuck you" to his employee, it was a satisfactioning one. Still, he would have had use for the money.

Lost in his thoughts, Nathan stared out of the window. The coffee in his cup had long since turned cold. The house was quiet, except for the sounds of the creaking bed in their bedroom. Tom was waking up. The kid slept too little. Many nights Nathan woke up hearing Tom screaming, tormented by his nightmares. He never talked about them. "I can't remember them," he would say. "Just go back to sleep."

Nathan lowered his gaze, a sickening thought coming to his mind. Was he taking advantage of the kid? Tom made him feel less lonely, gave his life a reason and made him happy. At the same time Tom was all but fine. And if he felt like in debt, he would do anything for Nathan. The thought was worrying.

Tom’s good looks was the thing that piqued his interest in him, but he learned fast that there was much more than that in him. The boy had the wits, guts, skills and attitude that made him a great partner. The trust Tom showed made Nathan feel responsible. Out of that responsibility grew love, stronger than he had felt in a long time - if ever. But was the kid happy here? Did he love Nathan? Was this what he wanted?

Nathan gulped down the rest of his coffee and winced at its bitter taste. Deciding he needed some fresh air, he left for a walk. When he eventually found himself from the graveyard, he wasn't surprised.

***

First he noticed the smoke. It made his eyes water and blurred his vision. Tom wasn’t sure where he was, but instinctively knew he had to help Elizabeth. He heard the screams. She begged for help. Tom tried to answer, but the smoke in his lungs made him cough. He almost fell down the stairs because he couldn’t see them. Again he tried to yell, to tell Elizabeth he was coming. Suddenly there was a sharp pain spiking through his head. He forgot how to speak.

Tom was suffocating. He would die if he didn’t get out quickly. He stumbled and fell over something soft. A dead body, but not Elizabeth’s. Tom kept looking, his headache almost unbearable. Then he saw Elizabeth sitting on the corner. The fire was coming closer.

Elizabeth didn’t react to his touch. Tom tried to carry her out, but his headache made him weak. He fell on the floor. He felt hot. He couldn’t see any windows or doors. It was just him and Elizabeth, who didn’t want to be saved.

When the fire was about to swallow him, Tom felt a breeze of fresh air. He forced his eyes to open but only saw white. All sound was stuck in his throat. Feeling nauseous he bent his head down. Then he realized someone was holding him. He opened his eyes, slowly. The white he saw was Nathan's t-shirt.

Tom swallowed.

"Feeling sick?" Nathan asked. Tom could hear how tired Nathan was. He hated himself for making Nathan go through this again.

Tom nodded, not trusting his voice.

"This was one of the worst you've had," Nathan continued, in a matter-of-fact tone.

"I'm fine." Tom forced the words out.

"You might wanna take a shower."

"Yeah."

And so it went, once again. Tom took a shower and refused to talk. Sometimes Tom offered to sleep on the couch but Nathan always told he wanted Tom to be close. It was a vicious circle, happening almost every night. Tom hated it but wasn’t strong enough to change it.

***

The nightmares affected their relationship. Nathan would never admit it but Tom knew. He could feel the tension between them. It hung over their heads, followed them around, eating them from the inside.

Nathan was tired all the time. He always slept little but lately he didn't seem to sleep at all. He also avoided Tom, which was worse. Nathan used to touch Tom quite often. They were little touches, almost non-existent, but they were there. Nathan squeezed his shoulder when passing by or petted his hair when they lied in bed. Now the touching had stopped. They had become less intimate. Tom wanted to know why but he was scared of the answers.

Nathan was difficult to read. That was what made him so good at his job. Even Tom had difficulties interpreting him, and he knew Nathan better than anyone else. During some nights, their bedroom was filled with sounds of whispers, moaning, and panting breaths. But those nights were often followed by a day with Nathan barely looking at him. Nathan always took care of Tom when he woke up from his nightmares, but Tom wondered if Nathan, who seemed to be tired of everything, had also grown tired of him.

Tom buried his head in his hands. Why had he let himself fall in love with Nathan, of all people? Then again, how could he have resisted? Tom wanted a challenge, someone who should earn his trust - and vice versa. He needed someone strong to stand beside him. He didn’t want to follow anyone, yet he would follow Nathan anywhere. He didn’t want to lead people, although he was good at directing them. He was happiest when someone he felt equal stood by his side. Someone he appreciated. Loved. Respected. Nathan was all that and much more. There hardly was any other choice for Tom but to fall in love with the man. He couldn't afford to lose him.

***

"You don't trust me."

"Fuck you."

"Then what is this?" Nathan tried to keep his voice calm. "You wake up in the middle of the night, over and over again, refusing to tell me what's wrong. I tried not to push you but I want you to talk to me, Tom."

"Just like you tell me everything?"

Tom closed his eyes and took a deep breath. None of this was Nathan's fault. He was being selfish.

"Maybe you don't notice it yourself but you are avoiding me, Nathan." Tom swallowed. "You never liked Elizabeth but I miss her. Even if you don't feel sad for her, I would apprec.."

"You’re not the only one who's lost someone they love."

Nathan gave Tom his best ‘don't-fuck-with-me’ look. It worked, in the sense of silencing Tom, who turned around, trying to hide his tears. Nathan stepped closer, squeezing Tom's shoulder. He felt at loss.

"Sit down with me, okay?" Nathan asked. "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not." Tom sounded as weak as he felt.

"You're a shadow of yourself. If I'm to blame for that, then I'm genuinely sorry."

Tom raised his head and turned to look at Nathan. He saw nothing but raw honesty and worry in Nathan’s eyes.

"Okay."

Grabbing Tom from the back of his neck, Nathan gently led them to sit down in front of the fireplace. Nathan kept the fire burning almost all day. It made the place warm and feel more like home.

For a long time, they sat in silence, staring at the fire. Nathan knew this was his last chance to change his mind. He could keep the story and the painful memories to himself. But he didn't want to.

Turning his gaze to Tom, he began:

"This was many, many years ago."

_"We can't. I can't."_

_"Can't or won't?"_

_"Both. And don't give me that crap."_

_Jon's gaze was defiant. He wanted Nathan to argue with him. It would have made things easier. Nathan would go to his own ways, forget Jon and everything that happened between them. No matter how much Jon loved him, he couldn't ask Nathan to stay. Nathan would do it, but Jon could never accept it._

_For ten years, they had been partners. They saw things no one else could understand. It had glued them together. Eventually, when their lives contained nothing but work - and their only social relationship was with each other - they became friends and then lovers. One night Jon had been dead drunk, confessing Nathan he was gay and in love with him. That night Nathan had whispered things to him, said words that no other man had ever said to him. It was the happiest night of his life._

_Then someone found out. People always found out. Letters, pictures, blackmailing and anonymous phone calls followed. Nathan denied it, but Jon knew he was scared. Not for himself but for Jon. Nathan did his best to convince Jon to leave everything behind, come with him and start over somewhere far away, but Jon never gave in. He couldn't bear the thought of Nathan losing his job because of what they had become._

_They decided to separate, work on different missions. They didn't see each other for almost a year. Then, one day, Jon had called. He was crying. His voice trembled and made it hard for Nathan to understand him. Mostly Jon had apologized or told Nathan how he couldn’t take it anymore._

_"What happened Jon?" Nathan asked, over and over again._

_"They are gonna hurt you, Nathan."_

_"Who? Why?"_

_"Don't you see it? They can’t hurt me any other way... I won't allow it."_

_"Jon, I'm sure there's a way to fix this. Just listen..."_

_"NO!" Jon was hysteric. He was never hysteric._

_"Jon, please. You are not thinking straight. I'm fine, you hear? No one is hurting me."_

_"I know. I promised to do what they wanted."_

_"Don't do this to me, Jon.”_

_Nathan closed his eyes, his emotions crushing him. He felt fear, agony, pain, rage, worry. He pleaded and begged for Jon to listen to him._

_Jon didn't budge. With a muffled voice, he told Nathan to take care of himself. Nathan yelled at him, screamed out the words he always wanted Jon to know. That Jon was special, that he loved him, that he would have left everything for him. When he stopped to take a breath, the line was dead._

"They found him a few days later," Nathan said quietly. "He shot himself."

Tom stared at Nathan. He opened his mouth but closed it when no words came. He focused on breathing. The fire's glow made shadows dance on Nathan's face. His eyes shined.

"You have never told this to anyone," Tom stated.

"No."

Nathan chose his next words carefully.

"I didn't want to tell you because... I don't want you to think I expect you to be like Jon. You owe me nothing, kid. I'd hate to see you try to change yourself for me."

"Haven't you learn anything, old man? I've always been myself around you. Even when it drives you mad."

"Especially when it drives me mad," Nathan said, huffing a laugh.

***

"You are afraid."

Tom's challenging voice made Nathan look at him. Tom's look of arrogance was the one Nathan knew well and loved, even though it sometimes drove him mad. Tom spoke like stating a fact. He was rarely wrong.

The kid was good at observing people, manipulating them, but he never seemed to use his talents to gain personal advantage. In that way, Tom was like Nathan: great at his job but lost in his personal life.

Nathan wondered how much he was to blame for that. When Tom found Elizabeth, Nathan had forced them apart. He had been right about Elizabeth, but it didn't bring him any comfort. He could have offered to help her but chose not to, instead demanding Tom to abandon her. Just like he had been demanded to abandon Tom to rot in that Chinese prison.

"Scared of what?" Nathan was curious.

"Dying alone."

"I don't have to say this often, but... You're wrong."

"Am I?"

Nathan nodded. "Guess again."

Tom cocked his head. A minute move signaled to Nathan he was deep in his thoughts.

"Okay," Tom finally said. "You're not afraid to die. I said that wrong."

"Hmm."

"You chose to spend most of your life alone. Then Jon came around and he was special. You lost him, but you survived. Then this," Tom waved his hand between them, "happened. You're afraid of losing me because you think the loss might kill you."

Nathan stayed quiet.

"Tell me I'm wrong," Tom challenged him, lifting his chin.

Looking out of the window, Nathan said: "No, you're not wrong." With a small smile, he added: "I taught you well."

"Is the fear preventing you to love me back?"

Only when Tom heard his own voice he realized he talked out loud.

"Fuck," Tom muttered under his breath, not daring to look at Nathan.

"Fuck indeed," was Nathan's reply.

Tom had trouble interpreting Nathan's voice. He wasn't angry nor surprised. If anything, he was confused.

Breathing became difficult for Tom. Everything was quiet and still like in a film frame. The silence was deep and tense, unnerving. He didn't trust himself to say anything that would make sense.

"...about this, huh?"

Hearing Nathan's voice snapped him out of the paralysis.

"What?" Tom blurted out.

"I asked," Nathan said, mockingly emphasising every word, "what kept you from talking about this? Before now, I mean."

The question was both fair and unfair at the same time. Nathan hated being kept in the dark. At the same time, he had acted like he didn't want Tom close to him.

Thousands of thoughts filled Tom's head. He tried to get a hold on something, figure out what to say.

"I don't know, Nathan."

"I think you do."

This was typical Nathan in his mentor mindset. He would force Tom to come up with answers and take responsibility for his words.

"I wasn't sure of your reaction."

"You think I'd do something to you?"

"Of course not. But you are all I have left, Nathan. If I lose you, I'm alone."

"I thought my actions made it clear I'm not leaving you, Tom."

"Feeling responsible for someone is different from love."

"It sure is."

Nathan's answer was short and immediate. Tom was about to return with something snarky until his subconsciousness screamed at him to stop.

Nathan had not saved him out of responsibility or because he didn't want Tom's death on his conscience. He did because he loved him. He had just said that. Not by using those exact words but by saying something much stronger.

"I'm..." Tom paused, then tried again: "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me."

"I love you."

"I love you too, kid."

***

Later that night Tom leaned his head on Nathan's chest, listening to his heartbeat.

"You could still return to your career, you know," Nathan said. "Achieve things."

"I have everything I need right here."

"This is a poor ending to a promising career like yours."

"Nah," Tom smiled. "This is what I was going for all along."

Nathan was quiet for almost a minute.

"Honestly?" he said, pressing Tom a little closer to himself. "Me too."


End file.
